Terrible Beauty

I grew up by the sea, so close I could taste the salt of her sweat in every breath. The Pacific coast cradled my childhood and early adolescence, easing many moments of melancholy. I learned early to respect her like a good mother. She can carry life and take it away in a single wave. Her storms make a Florida hurricane look like a baby shower.  From her I glimpsed God’s nature: awesome power with depths beyond our knowing. The mightiest of men are but grains of sand in comparison. At least with God, all things work together for good to them that love Him.  With the sea, there is no such thing as mercy. I learned her tendency for indiscriminate ruin while walking along the beach: rusted ship beams, massive trees, trunks stripped down to their rings. At the age of nine, I discovered a dead body. A man, topless, pants tattered, lips blue, flies crawling in the corner of his mouth. His lifeless body marked my memory, affirming the number one rule all children from my coasta... more

The Tone of Hearts

Of all the relationships we decide to enter into, only one is beyond our power to choose. Paradoxically, the one relationship we have no control of initiating has the greatest influence in our lives and can very often affect all other relationships we do choose to create. The depth of intimacy we have with others, the esteem we hold for ourselves, even the all important relationship we develop with God - all are rooted in and stem from the mother/daughter bond that was made outside the realm of our free will.  

This relationship’s power in our lives is like the heart in our bodies. If the heart is strong and healthy, it’s repeated and rhythmic patterns pump our life force into all other parts of the body. It’s make-up is comprised of cells interconnected by bridges and is responsible for the current that stimulates a single cell and all its neighboring cells. While reading the encyclopedic description of the heart, I was looking for words that related to the uni... more

Lists and Limits

Bow when meeting someone (even if you’ve met them already.) When giving something to someone (money, papers, a business card,) do so with both hands. When offering something (carrying bags, giving up your seat,) don’t take no for an answer; offer at least once more and if the offer is still refused, then relent, though asking again later is recommended. Take shoes off before entering a home and some public spaces. Don’t blow your nose at the table.  

Before moving to Korea, I bought the books that guided me through the cultural do’s and don’ts. I don’t like making mistakes, at least not in public, and certainly not those that cause offense. I read up on everything - social hierarchy, professional etiquette, table manners. I noted what products and services were readily available and what I would have to learn to live without. I made a list of “Must-Bring” items: vitamin and mineral powder with lots of zinc, salmon jerky, plus size clothing. Upon arrival, however, I qui... more

I, Too: Too Much, Too Soon

Having lived on the edge for most of my life, I suppose it was only a matter of time before I fell off the cliff. My family was alerted, friends tried to help, my ex-husband tried to check me into an asylum. In the end, it was only by the grace of God that I managed to return from the fall without any permanent damage to myself, and my relationships.  This “time away,” as I have come to call it, only lasted seven days, but it was the longest, most terrifying period of my life.  It was also the most transforming.  I have not been the same since, nor do I want to be. I have yet to write about it, mostly because I have no words to describe the experience, but also because I am afraid.  

Madness is liberating in that there are no confines to limit stretches of the imagination, but it is for this same reason that madness is so hazardous.  Extremes extend beyond ends, breach sensibilities. There is no balance, no logic, no order.  Chaos reigns a... more

Changing Places, Losing Time

The concept of time has always been relative. Whether you’re having the time of your life or bored to death, time can fly by or beg to be killed. Time is so fluid, it can be changed at whim, by any moron in power. The former Bush administration managed to get me up an hour earlier weeks in advance of when daylight savings was suppose to be, a time established back when American farmer’s planted crops in season. There are those who argue against the notion that there is a past or future time; there is only now. Differing philosophies aside, change (painfully slow or quite suddenly,) can only happen in time. Change is measured against the wheel of time, by comparing what was with what is. Yet, the essence of what matters – the nature of man – remains constant through time. There are no new stories, only new players acting out the same conflicts that have plagued humanity since before stories were told. 

Place, however, is precise. Our experience of a certain place may b... more

The Fallen Nature

There is a part of me that revels in stories about the fall of prideful men. It is no small consolation to witness the cocky jock humbly serving the geeky goof he used to torment. This smugness is not vindictive, rather mere appreciation for any account that righteously scores one for the underdog. Not often told, however, are tales of humble men who rise to power and are then challenged to remain true to their character. Such narratives are discomforting. On one hand, we want humble men in higher positions so that their righteousness might be wielded against corruption, and yet we are aware, whether consciously or instinctually, that no man is righteous; no, not one. The setup creates apprehension; we fear for the humble man, worry he will fall. Pride is a powerful adversary. In the film Takva: A Man’s Fear of God, I found myself grow increasingly concerned for Muharrem, a simple man called to face this tempting power. 

Muharrem is a devout Muslim, ... more

The Short and Sweet of Simple

Nowhere is it written that God must answer our questions, and yet any person who seeks to understand life must wonder, “Why does He make us feel the questions if He’s not going to give us any answers?” This may be the ultimate theological question, asked by Larry Gopnik, a Jewish physics professor who is courageously trying to hold on to his sanity as God rips apart his 1960s Minnesota suburban life in the film A Serious Man. First, I must admit that this is not the type of film I usually pay to see. Directed by Joel and Ethan Coen, A Serious Man is one I might view by chance a year or two after its original release. It would be a pleasant discovery checked out at the library that avails a treasury of films from the odd and outrageous to the dark and daunting. Though often perplexing, I prefer the independent films, those that seem to intentionally end abruptly without any sense of closure or peace. I am not suggesting that I get some sadistic pleasure in witnessing u... more

What Black Is, Really

“Excuse me, but um…what are you?......No, I mean what are you, really?.... Yeh, but what else?”   This line of questioning is so familiar to me, I’ve started a collection: “Give me a dollar and I’ll tell you.”  I figure the frequency of the inquiry should give me enough money to set free every black man in jail or kill U.S. poverty, whichever shame is greater. If I must explain my existence to such bold interrogations before I am even asked my name, by complete strangers, I believe I should at least be paid for my time and the indignity of having to justify why I claim my identity. ... more

Dancing with Dissonance

For years I have fantasized about living off the grid  like my Grandfather and his wife Sonja. The small plot of river rock and mountain terrain up the Rogue River in  Oregon was inherited by Grandpa from my great grandmother. When Grandpa married Sonja, the isolated haven was a small one-room cabin with a covered porch for sleeping and an outhouse. For decades after their union, the two kept each other company while building what is now a three-story estate, an ideal retreat from the world where one can comfortably hide away and disappear into God’s green earth. ... more

Viewing the Foreign : A Spiritual Exercise

“Mommy, can we watch that movie again, with the bad boy and the baby?”

This will not look good on my mother-of-the-year application. Tsotsi, the 2005 international award-winning film directed by Gavin Hood, may not have been the best movie to expose to a four-year-old. She is at the age of critical development, learning from all of her senses, assimilating information at a rapid rate. What comes in will reflect what comes out. Accordingly, I have been exceedingly cautious about what she hears in music, and views in films and television programs. Though I cannot control the media ou... more